The Grief That Comes With Saying No

The Grief That Comes With Saying No

People talk about boundaries like they’re powerful declarations of strength.

“Say no with confidence.”

“Protect your peace.”

“Cut them off.”

It’s everywhere in self-help books, on Instagram, in wellness circles. And while the intent behind those messages isn’t wrong, they often miss a deeper truth: saying no often doesn’t feel strong. It feels complicated, heavy, and it is grief. Even when you know the no is right, even when it’s the most loving, necessary choice there’s almost always a feeling of loss that comes with it.

Saying No Means Closing a Door

Every time I’ve said no in a meaningful way, whether it was to a person, a pattern, or an identity, I could feel the door close behind me. It wasn’t loud or dramatic, but I heard it. I felt it. And even when that door was connected to something that was draining me, hurting me, or keeping me small, the ache still came.

That ache doesn’t mean the boundary was wrong. It means we’re human.

We are wired for connection. We’re built to attach, to make meaning, to remember even the tender parts of what hurt us. So of course there’s grief when we draw a line. Even when it’s the right one.

Guilt Isn’t a Sign You Did It Wrong

What I’ve learned is that guilt doesn’t always mean a boundary was harmful. It means I cared. It means I’m untangling from something that once felt familiar. And instead of pushing that guilt away or letting it dictate my decisions, I’ve learned to sit with it.

I’ll tap through the discomfort.

I’ll journal it out.

I’ll let myself cry, if I need to.

Because that guilt is often just an echo of my younger self, afraid to lose love, afraid to be alone, afraid to disappoint. She doesn’t need to be pushed aside. She needs to be held. All the medicine we ever needs is by sitting with the parts of ourselves that need us the most.

And I can do that now without abandoning myself.

Every No Contains a Yes

What we don’t talk about enough is that every time we say no, we’re also saying yes. Yes to something quieter, more sacred, more honest. Yes to ourselves. But the space between the no and the yes? That space often feels like grief. Because it is. Letting go of who we were in order to become who we’re meant to be always requires a kind of shedding. And it’s okay if that shedding doesn’t feel triumphant. It’s okay if it hurts.

If You’re Saying No Right Now

Let the guilt rise. Let the ache be there.

You don’t have to collapse into it, and you don’t have to shove it away.

Just witness it. Breathe through it.

And remember: this isn’t a failure. It’s a sign of integrity. It’s the cost of choosing a life that’s aligned.

Even if it’s uncomfortable.

Even if it’s quiet.

Even if no one else understands.

You’re not doing it wrong.

You’re just doing it with your whole heart.

With love,

Your favorite soul seamstress